Second Chances….

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.  What a whirlwhind these couple of weeks have been…..

They say you don’t get second chances in life. But, as I lay in my bed, with my husband by my side, my eyes are fixated on the rise and fall of his chest.  I lay my head on his chest and listen to hear the steady beat of his heart… I’ve done that a million times over the last 23 years… and this time, I weep. 

As I recount the episodes of the last several days in my mind…. the doctors, the nurses, the EKGs, the flurry of arrangements…and then the waiting waiting waiting…what seemed an endless amount of time in the hospital waiting room.

When the words were spoken…heart attack, stents, blood clots… lucky.  We didn’t feel so lucky. 

My mind is fixated on a couple of things in the last few days that I don’t know if I can describe in words.  The way the hallway looked as we rolled him to the cardiac surgery area… clean, blue, blank,bright. Just like the movies.  It felt like a dream.

The smell of oxygen as I kissed his lips.

Faces in the waiting room, watching as I sat silently for what seemed like ages…. a woman with her child, a smooth faced man who looked to be about 50, a group of women…sisters perhaps…waiting for their loved ones in the cardiac cath lab.

The nurse explaining…”we found a significant blockage in the main artery… and two blood clots.  The doctor is working hard to get them out so it is taking a little longer than expected…”  …a little longer than expected….. we weren’t expecting this….

The tears. Tears I don’t recall noticing at first, flowing from my eyes uncontrollably.  She was kind as she said “Turn those tears into happy tears.  We got it. We’re fixing it.  It’s going to be better.” 

After the long wait for the remainder of the surgery, the nurse came to retrieve me to talk to the doctor.  I waited anxiously to hear the report in the consultation room.

“First of all, he’s very lucky.  In the left artery, there was a blockage.  It was 99% blocked with two blood clots, one of them very significant.  It was not what I expected to find. There are other blockages that we will also have to fix…but not now.  We will give his body time to heal, and then go back and do the others in a week or two.”