Tuesday, April 17, 2007

my step dad

Dear Buck,

It is hard for me to say good bye to you because I haven't seen you in so many years. The last time I saw you was 8 years ago. I remember exactly because I had just had Emily. You were here when I was pregnant, and you were pretty sure it was going to be a girl. You were right.

But, then you got sick right after I had her. Your emphysema was bad, and you were struggling breathing. You had developed pneumonia and the doctor admitted you the the ICU. It killed me because I had a baby just a few days old and couldn't come to see you in the hospital. I only made it once. But, when they transferred you to the regular room, I couldn't stay away.

I remember how optimistic you were. You weren't worried about your health. You were invincible.

You got better and went back to your home, two states away.

I wish I could have known if you had gotten my letters and cards. I never was able to talk with you on the phone because whenever I called, if the number hadn't been changed, they said you were sleeping or at the doctor or something else.

I know it wasn't anything personal about me. I realized even then that the people that you lived with were not looking out for you always. But, I also know that even if you knew that, you still wanted to believe the best in them. I just wish they would have told me that you were sick, that you may even die. It mattered to me.

I have some very fond memories of you. I know that you would say that you made a lot of mistakes. I am pretty sure we can all say that in our lifetime. But, I never questioned your love. And I wish that I knew for sure that you got the letter I wrote you a few years ago.. the one that I told you I forgave you.

I wish a lot of things. That I had the opportunity to share with you how much Jesus loves you. I know you heard the words from me... but did you hear my heart? Did you believe that no matter what your life brought, he loves you?

I will always remember you. I will remember your birthday and your goofy phrases that you used to say that didn't mean anything to anyone but you... I will remember the way you squinted in the sunlight, and how your hands changed as you grew older. I will remember your favorite outfit, a white t-shirt and jeans, and how you always appreciated good cooking. There are many things I never got to experience with you. But, I will treasure the memories I do have.

May you rest in peace.

7 comments:

hannahjoy said...

I'm sorry for your loss, Tina and family... take care

Heth said...

I'm so sorry Tina. What a touching post.

Chris said...

Tina,
I am so sorry for your loss!! May the Lord comfort you and bless you for honoring your step dad in such a sweet way. He may never know of your words and thoughts but your heavenly Father does.

meLanie said...

Tina, I am so sorry. Love you.

momzie said...

I'm so sorry for you and your siblings.....I pray that there was comfort in the writing of these things. That the memories and the tears will a healing balm to your heart. Jesus cares.

Angela said...

I'm so sorry. Grieving is so personal, and I can't possibly understand your feelings, but I love you and will pray for peace and comfort from our Father.

amy flege said...

sorry to hear about your step dad... hugs to you and your family..