Wednesday, May 21, 2008

under pressure

The last few weeks I have been a little stressed about things. Since we had the "flood" at our house, we've been recovering and trying to keep up in life with work and church and family. We've done a halfway decent job... I stress halfway. ..but I never seem to be able to get ahead enough that I can feel like I can relax. Each day my "to do" list seems to get longer, and the dark clouds of "stuff" loom like a thunderstorm waiting to happen.

I am sure that at least some of you can relate to me. I don't know what it is about me... but when I don't feel like I am gaining ground, I experience what the Germans call "angst". It's a word for fear or anxiety... but it really is much more than that. It is a word that describes an intense emotional strife. It is always there, just under the surface, when I feel under pressure. And this entire month, I have felt the presence of angst...constantly lurking.

I know that lots of people experience stressful times in life. I do not single-handledly hold the reigns of stress. But, have you ever noticed that when tension occurs in one area of life, it is bearable if you have another area that is unstrained? It seems that for everyone that "constant" is a different scenario. My constant is my home.

Now I'm admitting something here...so you have to bear with me. I don't care about appearance to other people. BELIEVE ME. But, there is something about having my home in order that gives me peace. I have battled with why this is for years... tried to call myself a freak... and let things go. But, the truth is... I have to have order or I flip out. In recent years, I have realized that it is one of those things that stems from my childhood. Not that my mother was organized at all. In fact, just the opposite. Our family life was always chaotic in every sense of the word.

Last night, I had a breakthrough with my level of stress. I'll tell you about it the next time I blog. It deserves its own entry.

8 comments:

Angela said...

I can't WAIT to hear the breakthrough. Love you!

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

I am the same way...I always try to make myself "ok with the mess" but inside...I never really FEEL it. I'm with Ang, can't wait to hear the breakthough :)

Love ya!

melanie said...

it's like the walls are closing in, and suddenly i can't breathe, ugh! i have been there so many times...!

you seriously are such a servant and such a giver and such a friend, and i am so thankful for you nerd head. i love you.

Diana said...

I LOVE an orderly house, this is a secret, no one knows it. I relate to the sense of peace you feel when all is in order. I GAVE UP having an orderly house in lieu of surviving my children that DON"T LOVE an orderly house. GUESS WHAT? They aren't going to be here any more--can I get that order back???????

His Girl said...

I have wished many times that messiness bothered me sooner. It's usually when it's WAY.OUT.OF.CONTROL. that I get irritated- and by then its a major league problem. I can't wait to see what your breakthrough is, though. I have a friend in the midst of a flood aftermath (her framing shop and art gallery flooded monday) who is also a neatnik- and she could really use an extra dose of peace right now.

Heth said...

Are you in my head?

This really rings true with me too Tina and I can't wait to hear about the break through. Whheeee!

Beefy said...

I know that cloud.

Sounds like you need to go on the pampering deal with us! Wanna?

Love you, and looking forward to your next blog.

ann said...

Oh I hear you. I remember once you blogged about not being able to sleep, so you cleaned your wood floors and felt better. I had a similar thing where I was all anxious, I remembered your post, so I mopped. Seriously, I felt better. I don't know why it is.