Friday, July 07, 2006

Neurotic Sparkler Woman

It has officially been eight - yes 8 - days since I have blogged. The biggest reason I haven't blogged is because I can't think of anything to say. You are completely amazed right now, I know... me not have anything to say?????!!!!

I think it would be good to blog about something semi-meaningful. But, my brain is not functioning that way. It isn't as if we don't have anything going on this week. Last night for example, one of my children was up most of the night ... sick. You don't want me to get descriptive here, trust me.

The fourth of July here was spent at the local fireworks display. Then, we went to the new house to show off our new sparklers. Can someone say disaster?

The "new" sparklers were quite a treat..... I think they were labeled wrong. They were not sparklers at all. They were bottle rockets/roman candles. Yes, give them to a 14 year old in a cast, a 43 year old pyromaniac, and a 7 year old with bushy long hair and have an anxiety attack as you watch.

I'm somewhat of a safe freak. I admit it. If there were a twelve step program for women who are nuts about being safe, I could join. "Normally" --- I write that in quotes because I really don't think we have a normal in our family --- we do the sparklers with my safety equipment. Give the rules about where to hold the sparklers (OUT and AWAY), ONE at a time, sometimes TWO if you show you are worthy, bucket of WATER near to put ALL extinquished sparklers in as soon as finished, and only those over 12 can dance and sparkle at the same time.

This year, I threw caution to the wind. I didn't take a bucket of water. I was tired. And lazy. And stupid. I momentarily lapsed on any thinking through. Besides, we have these new unknown sparklers that we've never used before. We should be fine.


So, we are at our new house (yes, it's insured). We gave a sparkler to the girls and lit them up. Good grief. The thing didn't act like a normal sparkler. It wasn't wire, it was WOOD, so the whole thing flamed up. Then, about 10 seconds into the "sparkling", the thing stopped and turned into a temporary torch, then it started spitting in all different directions, and broke off midway while the embers were still glowing. WHAT THE?????

So, smart pyroman had a great idea. Let's do 4 or 5 at a time. You guys can watch. From behind me. And just when it changes from a sparkle to the wood and flames up, you know, when the embers start flying on my arm because I have 5 of them, I will swing them back at fling them toward you.

14 year old in cast panics and dances around. She thinks there is an ember in her cast. I have no water. My mind says no you can't put water on the cast anyway. Yeah, but if it's burning you can. But, you have no water anyway.

A few minutes later,... she realizes it's okay. It either burned out or didn't really happen I guess. I want to go home, and forget the neurotic sparklers. They want to do them. So, deciding that I'm on the verge of a sparkler breakdown, I retreat to the van to wait so if they burn up everything and themselves, I don't have to watch.

I look over at them, and see Emily with her long bushy hair dancing around with sparklers spitting all over the place and I envision them landing on her hair and starting a fire. So, I decided I was the only safe one here, and I walked over toward them so I could extinguish the fire with dirt if it happened. I found a ponytail tie in the van and put it on her long hair, and sat back with dirt in hand.

I'm not buying sparklers next year. I'm too old. and neurotic.


amy flege said...

oh man Tina, I dont think you would like it at our house on the fourth then! glad no one started on fire!!

Heth said...

Oh my gosh that is so funny.

momzie said...

I think I used them all- belly laugh, snicker, tee hee, giggle, LOL....I feel so healthy after reading that! Did you ever do a fourth of July with Pastor Jim?!

meLanie said...

you are too funny!! talk about painting a hilarous picture!!
i refuse to let my kids do sparklers, until i look and my inlaws have distributed them to the whole clan, um time to go!