It was especially difficult for me to sing in church yesterday. I can blog about it now, only because it's over. :) I was sweating bullets. I recognized last week that it was going to be pure agony for me to do it. I was so mad at myself for letting the devil have that foothold in my life. But, nonetheless, I was seeking for any excuse or reason to get out of doing it.
The bottom line, however, is that I knew I had to do it. It was bad enough that I allowed satan to get at me, but then to allow him to have victory: that would not happen.
In the Boundaries book, the author talks about our talents, comparing two responses:
"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
"You wiked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have recieved it back with interest. Take the talent from him and give it to the other one who has ten talents." - Matt 25:23, 26-28
These verses, better than any, illustrate God-ordained responsiblity for ownership and use of our talents. The author points out that our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet, taking that ownership is scary... and risky. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome FEAR of FAILURE that the "wicked and lazy" servant gave in to. He was not chastised for his fear. He was chastised for giving in to his fear, and trying his best.
The author desribes it awesomely! "Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning".
Wow! You might want to read that again and again, slower and slower to let it sink it. It is so true... and so evident in my life this past week. But, I literally talked to God and said, "Okay God, I'll do it. I'm scared to death, but I'll practice hard and I'll do it. But, your part is this: don't let me make a fool of myself."
I was nervous, scared, knees shaking, voice quaking, frightened. But, I did it. And God helped me. I didn't look like a fool. It wasn't perfect, absolutely not. But, I am still growing in that, and God has enough grace to sustain me as I learn and grow.